I have found this week to be one of reminders. Reminders that I am living in this world of sin, yet as a Christian, I am not to live of this world (insert Avalon song).
The lessons I have learned are things that have taken place this week, things that have come out of my mouth and listening to hurting friends. I have had a lot of aha moments this week and want to document them so I don't forget.
First lesson, so I am talking to a friend who has not been treated the greatest by another "friend". She has been lied to and manipulated into thinking this person was one way and finding out completely different things. She was hurt and it has caused her to question who it is she is truly living for.
As I think back in my own life I realize that is just what I do to God. I tell Him what I think He wants to hear. Trying to hide the fact that I am not perfect. Telling Him how much I still care about Him, yet secretly entertaining other loves, love of money, love of food, love of self. I so disrespectfully cheat on God. And like my friend's hurt, this hurts The God I love. Yet He still loves me, He still seeks me out. He still, in the midst of my depravity, reaches out His Hand and embraces the wretched sinner. His hurt does not cause Him to retaliate, but love on us more, what a lesson.
Another lesson I learned was from one of my patients. She is definitely one of the funniest unique people I have ever met. When I worked with her before we got along great. But now every time I go into her as of late she wants nothing to do with me. I tell her how important it is for her to get out of the bed. I told her I loved her and wanted more for her than this bed. I told her that she is still among the land of the living and needs to take advantage of that. Her response to me was "No, I don't want to, stop talking to me, get out of my room."
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out my lesson here. Once again this is how Jesus so lovingly calls my name, Angie, I love you, I have so many plans for you, you have a purpose while you are here on earth, Get up and do something with your time here on earth. I have so much more for you than this "bed" that keeps you from moving forward. A "bed" that disguises itself in fear, pride, and self pity. You must get up and embrace this life I have given, away from the life of lesser.
Even in the midst of this process of going to Papua New Guinea, I have found myself paralyzed in fear and self doubt. I have never flown by myself anywhere especially not out the country. There have been more moments as the time gets closer of doubt of if I can really do this. Many times in this process I have felt so alone. But I know I'm not doing anything alone, I have Jesus right there with me walking with me every step (I forget that so often). I also think I'm just not qualified for this and then I realize it's not me doing this, It is Christ living in me, I can do all things through Christ (Phil 4:13)I have Bible Verse on my nightstand that states, Nothing is impossible with God, Luke 1:37, One of my favorite verses of one of my favorite chapter's in the Bible.
It is in the times that I try to do these things on my own that fear creeps in. How many times does God have to "prove" He is faithful before I trust? I am learning more and more that "His ways are not my ways His thoughts are not my thoughts, His Ways are higher than mine and His thoughts higher than my thoughts (Isaiah55:8-9). I am thankful that these times are fleeting and I do not stay paralyzed by my fears and doubts. One verse that has really helped with this,
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17
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